Monday, April 13, 2009

Me and the Pee Part Three

Sigh. Now where was I? Oh yeah, I was sitting in my own URINE for two hours! That's where I was.

If you've driven from Pocatello to Logan, you know you're lucky if you pass a gas station every once in 10,000 acres or so. So clothes shopping is pretty much out. I would've been so happy to just drive home and crawl into bed and feel sorry for my stanky self, but Andie had slept over at my sister's, so I had to go through Logan on my way home to pick her up.

As soon as I got into Logan I stopped at the first store I came to. Walmart. I picked up a package of underwears, a pair of cheap capri sweats, and some baby wipes. I went to the express checkout, where the checker asked if I knew how much the underwear was, because it didn't have a barcode on it. !@#$%^&*%^$&#!, I thought to myself. She flipped the package over and over, looking for a barcode that was nowhere to be found. Then she called someone over. So, of course, a GUY came over, tried all the same things she had, and then declared that, "Sometimes the barcode is on the clothing itself," as he proceeded to rip open the package and pull out a GIANT PAIR OF MOM UNDERWEAR and turn them around and over and up and down until he was satisfied that there was no barcode up in there. He then made the announcement, much to my and all my fellow line-standers' dismay that he was going to have to run back and get another package with a proper barcode.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that any other time in the history of my life I would have said, as I always do if ever I'm holding up a line, "Nevermind. I don't need that," (even if I do) and let people move on with their day. But on this day, this most UNlucky day in all of my memory (which, really, only covers about the last few minutes, so, not really saying much, but STILL!) I really, really needed those suckers. I toyed briefly with the idea of turning to my fan club members in the line and explaining, "You know, normally I would just not buy them right now, but, you see I peed my pants today and I've been sitting in my pee pants for the last 2 hours and I still have to drive to Bountiful and I REALLY need those undies!" But I held on to what little dignity I had left at that point and just closed my eyes and did some deep breathing. Well, I tried to keep my eyes closed, but I kept peeking to make sure I wasn't busted by a former schoolmate or old ward member or past co-worker, or, worst of all...a former boyfriend *YIKES*, which would have been perfectly in sync with my day so far.

Finally, the barcode scout brought another package to scan. Now, the 3-pack that I had chosen to purchase (and, mind you, it's not a purchase I make more than once every decade or so, since I wear undies of a more religious nature as a rule) were black, white, and grey. The package that this guy brought over were hot pink, hot pink with multi-colored stripes, and purple with a zany geometric pattern. Just in case the spectacle hadn't been noticeable enough up to that point.

I wondered if, given all that time to stand there thinking about it, someone in line had figured out why I was buying that particular assortment of items. Hmm...why would one need a pair of pants, a package of underwearsies, and...baby wipes? Looks suspish to me...I bet she peed her pants! Gross.

I paid for my goods, thanked the helpful Walmart employees, and slinked off into the bathroom. I came out of there a new woman. I disinfected my car seat (not even kidding, that's why I got leather seats.) and drove to my sister's house.

Well, guess what. This story has a happy ending. When I got to my sister's house, my other sister was there too, and as soon as I walked in, all the pain and frustration and embarrassment of my unbelievably, ridiculously, freakishly messed-up day washed away as we laughed and laughed and laughed some more. Kerri told me, "Two words: Blog. It." Kelli told me that as soon as she heard Mom had left, she tried to figure out how long it would take to get to Pocatello, but realized I'd be long done by then. And that was before part three had even happened! Who cares about a crappy old day when you have sisters who love you? Not I.

Plus, it was the perfect experience to pull me out of writer's block, so YAY!

17 comments:

Taffy said...

Ah, Kimmi! You are awesome!

erin noelle said...

Dude- drop the doctor in POCA-Idaho-TELLO!!!! He can't be making you THAT much better.

Mark said...

Oh Kimmi! Wow I am sad that you had such an awful day, BUT I laughed until tears came out of my eyeballs. And that was at work, I made the mistake of looking at this during a boring meeting and had to put it away because it was so funny! Your a real gem to write this stuff down.

Melwel said...

I can't stop laughing....excuse me while I race to the potty so i don't pee my pants!!!
Sorry for your discomfort, but it's a great war story.
Love ya

kerrijonesl said...

Yep! It's as funny as I imagined it. You have a true gift!! oxox

Melanie said...

Oh Kimi, you are seriously the funniest and most talented writer I know!!!! Thanks for having this terrible day so that I could have 2wonderful days of reading about it!

Diane said...

Kimi, thanks for sharing this memorable day. You really do have a gift for making something wretched so funny. Please keep writing. I've missed being delighted by your clever use of words and amusing look at life. Love you!

staceygriff said...

Not that I want to use your day from Hades for entertainment, but..... It did entertain in a funny yet sad way. Only because I have been in some similar situations myself and what can we do but laugh? I'm sorry though. You've got to love walmart though and the very helpful boy that went and grabbed the hot pink undies.

Si said...

so so so so so so so funny. Tears. I seriously couldn't believe you sat in those pee pee pants till you got back to Logan!!!

staceygriff said...

was it you that peed at Lagoon on senior day? I remember hearing about someone from your class that peed on the roller coaster???

Kimi said...

Obviously.

barbyb said...

I did NOT laugh, I was about to cry. . .until I read the part about the Wal-Mart guy and the mom-underwears. hahahahahahahaha. . . . . . Oh, my pee-pee pants friend. whew. Okay, instructions for throwing up:

1. SIT ON TOILET
2. Throw up in trash can. (Preferably lined with trash bag for easy disposal.)

LOTS of experience with LOTS of peeps going out both ends. . . . . .

Holly said...

Oh dear! Your life really is as hilariously humiliating as mine is. I'd tell you to have that bladder surgery, but I did in December and the Dr. accidently poked a HOLE in my bladder. I had a full-on nursing home catheter the week before Christmas. Hope tha makes you feel better!

Love said...

Oh my--- Well If nothing else we all know you looked totally hot and sexy the whole time and thats really all that matters.
I couldn't stop laughing (Its good to know I'm laughing with you)--- I had to have my roommate finish reading it to me cause I was crying.

You are my favorite.

Landon

Cami Checketts said...

I am laughing with empathy, I promise! Two years I ran the Wasatch Back Relay and seriously peed my pants running to the top of Avon pass. Thank heavens for a cold stream.

Kimi said...

Thanks for the comment, Cami. And, no offense, but do I know you? How did you find my blog?

I went to your blog (only to try to figure out who you are, I promise! I'm not a stalker!) and looked around. After reading the exerpts from your books I decided I MUST have at least one of them for my Lake Powell trip next week! How can I get one quickly?

Oh, and you can laugh with empathy or mockery; doesn't matter to me as long as you're laughing.

Landon and Josh said...

Kimi it has been 4 months and nothing has been written---I miss your blogging. So you should do it again I think.

Landon

oh and ps the verification word is boblyc (Bob Lick) yeah thats all i'm saying.