Kimi Clampit

Ever like to think you're classier than you really are? Like to hobnob with the hoity toities and pretend you're just as posh as all get out? Well I usually know my place in life as a first-class nerd, trying to maintain at least a semblance of low-scale sophistication. Just enough to keep my friends from rethinking the whole arrangement, that sort of thing. But I know deep down I'm a full-throttle band geek who, though my instrument was piccolo (at least a halfway cool-ish instrument. I mean, if you have to be in the band in the first place), I nearly tried out for sousaphone (that's giant marching-band-sized-and-shaped-TUBA if you're a normal person) because I thought it would be cool to be able to say I played the sousaphone! I can't remember now why I didn't end up playing it, but OH MY GOSH! Can you imagine?! Nonetheless, I still wanted to at the time, and I know that about myself, so I know my own potential for Olympic-level Dweebhood. This knowledge keeps me humble for the most part. Except for the occasional delusion of elegance. The mental slip ups when I think I have the same level of chicness as the people I'm around.

I once left one of my earrings in the car. Not a pair. Just one earring. No, I don't know why. That's not relevant right now, so don't worry about it. Anyway, every time I got in the car I would be like, "Doh! I HAVE to take that earring in the house!" But it stayed in the car for a long time. Eventually I tried tricks to remind myself to take it in, like hanging it from the thing that's hanging from my rearview mirror. I was sure this would work, but no. Then I had an even better idea! I hung the longish earring from one of the longish earrings I was wearing at the time. That would totally get the earring into the house! Aren't I clever? Aren't I just the shrewd one?

Later that night Bob said, "We must go to the Bosendorfer piano showroom tonight! We must!" I know Bob doesn't talk like that, but it's making me laugh right now picturing it in my mind's ear. But he said essentially that. So we went. Bosendorfer pianos are (according to Bob, who would know) one of the two best piano brands made in the whole entire world. And probably the better of the two, so really the best. I can't figure out how to get the two little dots above the o in Bosendorfer, but you have to picture it and say it like the Bosendorfer reps do: Boooooeesendorfer. Again: Boooooeesendorfer. Make your lips say "oo" while the inside of your mouth says "ee." That's right. Good. That is meant to have you appreciate the swanky upscale nature of the Booooooeesendorfer piano. And they like to say it a lot when you're at the showroom, pretending you would ever be able to buy one. And not only that, but that you'll probably be buying one real soon. (Right after you pay off the house. And win the lottery.)

The reps are all dressed in practically-but-not-quite formal gowns and nearly tuxedos. I kept thinking they should have a glass of champagne in their hand as they gestured dramatically at the selection of Boooooeesendorfer pianos in the temporary showroom. (Utah's not cool enough to sell Booooooeesendorfers, they're made somewhere cooler and taken on showroom tours.)

So as you picture Bob and me, putting on airs, if you will, or at least doing our best to fake it, you may start to put two and two together. Well, you're one step ahead of me if you do. Remember the lone earring I have at this point hanging from one of my two earrings? Yeah, I didn't. I didn't remember it at all. Not until I got home from Booooooeesendorferland and prepared to go to bed did I catch a glimpse of an anomaly hanging from the side of my head! Yes, of course I asked Bob why he didn't tell me. No, he hadn't noticed. It's usually a perk that Bob doesn't notice any of my flaws, but this time he could have helped a girl out, you know? I know I really should stick to my roots and not try to elevate my social status in my own mind. But a girl can dream, right? Someday, maybe someday I'll get the chance, if I'm lucky, to finally...PLAY THAT SOUSAPHONE! Yeah!